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4​.​16

by Joseph Ruddleston

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1.
scorch 02:32
run now, darling. shake the sand from your boot. it's easy to be lulled into nothing, to drink the weight from your eyes. it’s easy to forget how quickly blood cakes. home is a thing that fell past you; all you have left is what your feet make from here. empty your boot; all is ahead.
2.
goggles 01:58
my feet dragged across the lake but you didn't hear the water move in waves towards you. and even now that the pixels are dead (and you're taller than i remember) i can see you rejecting my calls in real time and it hurts. because i thought that flying ten thousand miles would make you talk, that i could cut the thread between your lips and open your voice box, that with my ear to your mouth, i would hear our wavelength, it hurts because i was wrong.
3.
Spent a beautiful day wasting away all my sun and the sleight of hand was slighted by the moon and its rays and I carried my mouth with little discord and I spoke until the words carried no weight on the floor and the boards didn't bow when I called out your name and the sparrows did shutter at the way the sounds came and we'd seen mountains from our seats on the bus and the states became ugly like paintings of rust and I tried to form my mouth around the love in my throat but it kept getting caught and I couldn't hit the right notes so I swallowed it down with expensive smoke and I made up my mind when I saw you out on that boat before the sun ran away from our misguided youth and the curse of your father kept blaming you for your wayward little stares and your fiendish little hands as they wandered past the off-ramps and into his glare and the way I saw you look at him made me look too and I hated all that skin of his that drew him to you because that's the same shade that pulled my hand to yours but you moved it away like you didn't have a choice and I wished then that devils came out of the pond and dragged me off into the tides so I could drown before long but there were no demons tangled up in the weeds, just fish and some old lures that were lost in that sea and a few solid notes of a song I once wrote that never left my throat because the rhythm was broke and it made no sense to sing it out on that deck because why would I sing to someone gone deaf?
4.
7.4.16 03:03
i could make all the beautiful things in the world and it wouldn't make me any more like them. my mouth can speak pretty poems but my lips wouldn't be any more kissable or my heart any more loveable. my eyes can see all of the twinkling world and stars but there's nothing in me to see like that and as much as i want to be held just once the way i've held you in my thoughts— tenderly, gently, with soft ideas and fantastical hope— i can't see why anyone would want to. i'm just the looking glass into small pockets of shiny wonder in the world and no one wants to love something that offers nothing but a glance when they could have the things of beauty themselves.
5.
three days 02:42
it’s been three days now since i last spoke to you with our skin tingling ice and your lips dyed blue. and when you told me those things so coloured and deep i didn’t know how i could not let you seep into my head and my room and my skin underlining, as you pushed your way through cracking spine, intertwining. and when you appear in my mind, you exist in dim red lighting, in wavering seconds and lines almost biting the corners of my ears repeating soft sounds, the silhouettes of past laughter so inky and round.
6.
contemnor 02:35
i'm giving weightless reasons to come undone i've been awake for days, over heaven in the sea of all things unperceived four hands opening a branch of new faith for the beauty in that which she creates brings cancelled thoughts of my restraint this must end let lay my heart on cathedral floors, steer leopards' gaze to loves unborn your stroke delays, the hour comes
7.
delicate? 00:21
China doll hot house lily I ‘spose I was a skittish filly Not so anymore No longer demure Through circumstance I’ve learned to dance like no one's watching me Because now if you are I’ll poke your friggin’ eye out. :)
8.
kill me slow 02:33
Irradiate my soul A furnace without coal Oh, kill me slow The darkest cloak Covers the deepest hole Oh, kill me slow You stole the show With those words you wrote Oh, you killed me slow
9.
tide 02:46
as a storm or an ocean, I know you loved me as much as you were able to in your single bed and I think I still - a little bit, enough to make my hand tremble when it passes yours. for the first time in this time zone, you let your fingers explore my palms (something my leery life lines have been missing for a trillion months, at least) I slowly move my legs closer to yours under a painted disguise; I slowly move my legs, but they've grown less determined, more shy. and even in the Carling, I can't find the taste of your dry lips anymore. and I wonder if I should be reminded or not.
10.
tapestry 02:14
you were a tapestry patterns of colours and wisdom and light then the shadows came sunset slow relentless and cruel i watched you fray and disintegrate like old lace i missed you when you were still here
11.
tomorrow 02:26
I'll quit smoking Tomorrow I'll start my diet Tomorrow I'll save some money Tomorrow I'll pay my bills Clean my house Do my laundry Tomorrow I'll stop drinking Find a job Finnish school Tomorrow I'll stand up Speak out Leave him Start over Do better Tomorrow Tomorrow
12.
I am, where the music plays and the future is now, where my tears can take shapes and everything is allowed. Where real love proves itself, in a moment, somehow, while this music keeps playing while my heart laughs out loud.
13.
here 03:35
i could lie here sink into this mattress 'til my skin has turned to cotton and my bones are tempered steel coiled and twisted inner springs aching, creaking, writhing things bending, crushed beneath the weight stretched empty once it's gone away i could lie here i might cry here scream out "why" here i'll just lie here i could lie here breathe and sigh here say good-bye here i think i'll die here i could lie here
14.
ex 02:07
after we had been driving in your car and after I had said what I said about music and people, after you had laughed and after I had changed the song, we ran out of petrol. you were angry, cursing the car and cursing me I was sat in the snow, I felt like I was three again, back in my parents' house, I tried not to listen. then the petrol arrived and you drove us back home.
15.
this is the fine line behind trial told not to because it will burn into precious pain that pain complex and unique in evolution forward forever what is the birthright reason fear sin? born of consciousness conduit of the first that essential portion creates in turn burning the lines
16.
I could stare at you all day. Is that strange? To want to stay and worship your body Until the sun goes down? If it is, then I don't care. I'll be the strangest man there ever was If it means my lips will be blessed by your skin.
17.
i know every word in every chapter, can recite every song and present you all your saints by name; i can call everything to fire that isn't you, isn't us, but i'll never meet the needs of your alter, will never be a thing you can save by owning. You pushed and I pulled, But when you let up I fell back. Past a thousand windows With a thousand faces pressed against them, All making bets on when I'd hit the ground.
18.
somedays i wish for time to slow down drinking sweet tea in clean clothes with your mellow singing wafting in from the kitchen the hailstones hit the windows and i have so much to do today but if i could just find a way (i squeeze my eyes shut) to slow down time forever (i wish and wish) we could just stay here in our cocoon and bask. the second hand ticks on maybe tomorrow.
19.
homesick 02:24
Cloudy, hazy skies swallow the land As the gentle sea breeze Slowly drifts me back-and-forth Carrying me further away from the shore I can't sleep Knowing you're all alone Searching, waiting Hoping, praying To find you out here So I can bring you back home
20.
13.4.16 02:22
i feel too old, like everything has set its way in my life now, and that if, by now, no one has glanced my way and felt their heart pull them into a double take then i won't be turning any heads for the next two decades either.
21.
Blood moon, blue moon, chance in a century, fated meeting Rabbit, goddess, weaver, and crab, desired meeting Craters on the moon, shadows on the moon, Desert on the moon, ocean on the moon Hermit of the moon, goddess of the moon, Brother of the moon, alien of the moon Clan of recluses in solidarity! Lassos and mirrors, capture of the pearl, desired meeting Great ships and fireworks, on a barren desert, fated meeting Moon in the mirror, moon in the sea Moon in the darkness, moon in the eyes Moon in your card, moon in your hand Moon in your dreams, moon in your life Conceived spirit of inorganism! Howling into the moon, serenading for the moon Nightmares and dreams actualized! Paint the moon in blood red, paint the moon in cerulean ice Demonic and romantic actualized! What the sun denied me, actualized! Let the lurking scorpions carry on, Let us guide the river into the heavens, Let the fires become waters of Aquarius, Let us build a ship out of coppers and irons, Let us strip the world of its entropy and gravity, Light up the fuse, and let us count to ONE! Ahh!! COLLISION!
22.
it's fine these days doing fine these days mind the weighted gaze make eyes at the carpet like i had a good thought like i've smiled in the last six subplots guest spots gift certificates available for the price of gift for the price of free now act now limited time gift for the price of the price of gift get out get free for the price of a certificate detailing in swooping ballpoint the time and date of death free for the price of a life plot wasted in a planted pot
23.
you and me? 02:28
Thank you for the time when you gave me your love open I really appreciate it and would like to pay it back not broken Everything I have I want to share with you spoken When the time is right I'll drop by, but maybe all I'm doing is hoping
24.
marker 02:41
There are parts of me you made with markers Others we tattooed together, And others done on us by everyone around us. Some seared in as brands by the lives we were born in, others tattooed by friends and strangers as we lived those lives with them. Some made out of pencil by the lies we told ourselves and others made out of iron by the truth we made ourselves. And I want it all indelible, every bit of ink or ash that you've left on me, But I worry that even the most staining ink Will only stand as well to time As Sharpie on the surface of the sun and not even the industrial kind. So every day I reink outline Hoping it'll last a little more long.
25.
Maybe we were born with the wrong shoes on Or maybe the bitter taste was always this way But it's okay that we wander different paths Because no ordained priests gave us a map that day To the willows and the deer that drift with us Into the abyss which stares right back We'd known peace for so many days It's no surprise that the sky turned black I should have buried you and me too deep To ever be recovered by my hands But instead I wrapped you up in cloth Laid you softly amongst these lands Not forgotten but maybe misplaced If I ever needed to love you again someday I should have never let you know There was a fever in these bones You're not my medicine You're not a fragile, little throne You're you and I'm me and that's all we'll ever be Until the breakers and waves wash us into the sea I'm so sorry I loved you, and I'm sorry I failed To see you as something more than a fairytale Which you are and have become More now than before When I'd seen you in yellow When you'd opened the door Now the path is clear of all the traps and the debris I think all I want is for you to be happy and free I think all I want is the right shoes on my feet
26.
If you feel bound,‭ it's because I left my arms around you. If you feel haunted,‭ it's because I left you my voice. If your heart is heavy,‭ it's because I wrapped it with mine. If you feel alone,‭ it's because you don't know you are loved.
27.
questioning 03:38
Be cautious in your asking, Love Be careful and be wise You never know what you'll find Or who is in disguise The black birds on the windowsill May be Odin's Ravens The endless cave in the cliff May be the safest haven The steam rising from the alley In billowing white plumes Is the breath of many dragons Dreaming in their tomb The old man sitting on a park bench Feeding all the birds Is an ancient, scheming wizard Who doesn't want disturbed. The lady at the coffee shop Writing in her journal Is crafting charms to ease her life Don't mistake her as maternal Look around you as you wander, Love Make sure you see what is there Always know what surrounds you See that magic's everywhere.
28.
lapis lazuli 02:49
Glistening a year, a year, Sleeping in the singing bird. Lying deep in the pale furnace, Do you wish these hands'd go away? You are neither a sparkling gem, Nor are you a shining star. Do tell me, what's to love? Fa li la, what's to love? Lazuli, lazuli, shimmering in flame. Glistening a year, a year. Embraced by the heavenly pyre. Alive at the price of your flesh, Do you still feel the searing pain? You carry the color of the sea, But you are crude, like the looming storm. Do tell me, what's to love? Fa li la, what's to love? Lazuli, lazuli, shimmering and fades. Glistening a year, a year, Beneath the glowing moonlight. Borrow light from borrowed light, Without, are you but ashen gray? You remind me a tale long ago, of a small star damned by the sun. Didst he desire love Before his heart locked away? Lazuli, lazuli, frozen while you're free. Glistening a year, a year, Toyed again, again in my hand. In time before it becomes cold, Would you carry my flame in thee? You are neither a sparkling gem, Nor are you a shining star. Do tell me, what's to love? In my hand, what's to love? Lazuli, lazuli, who are you, really?
29.
hello 04:54
you’re a little ache between my teeth a tuesday in socks and old band t-shirts and a bad reality show bleeding away in the background. i didn’t know there was any room for you, but here you are, a beautiful rupture putting glasses of water in my hands and remaking my afternoons.
30.
thaw 03:04
ours was a winter's love frozen in time bodies clinging bundled tight stronger together creating our own warmth and then the spring came and with it a thaw prying us apart convincing us we would be fine on our own in the warmth we thought of winter but could only remember the cold so we shed our layers and each other and wondered what summer would bring

about

April 2016, I spent each day writing and recording a song with words written by poets from all over. '4.16' is what emerged from it.

It was a self-set challenge that I felt likely I'd give up on quickly. But the addiction to each day set in, and I wrote/recorded 8 songs in the space of 2 days at first. Some days I worked all day on the one track, others I threw together at 3am after a night out.

The aim was to learn... something. I learned how to write in various styles of music, for sure. I learned that I could enjoy getting up in the morning again. That to treat myself fairly is to give myself the chance to fail or succeed, unknowing of the outcome. And yeah, that it might not take a month to feel my strongest, but a month certainly does count for something.

credits

released May 8, 2016

The poets: Evyn Williams, Ellie Wilson-Smith, Brandon Elrod, Natcha Chirapiwat, Saffron Lily, Ted Wells, tbarrett, Musepunk, R-A, MsMino, Sarah Ellen, Paolino, Vickie Avery, Katie Anne, Marc Salley, Tori Watson, Rosella Weigand, Hiraku, Gwen Griffin, Robynj150, Eric Tortora Pato, Symbiote, Roswell Gray.

Voice/Composer/Musician/Producer: Joseph Ruddleston


Inspiration: Evyn Williams' Poem Every Day Project (hitRECord.org)

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Joseph Ruddleston Brooklyn, New York

Brooklyn-based song-storyteller with all sorts of stuff pouring out of the holes in his voicebox.

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