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5​.​17

by Joseph Ruddleston

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1.
pressed. fingertip to fingertip. hands falling swiftly to spine. i know the shape of your laughter now and you find so easily corners to make me shiver. ears cupped you fill them with stories and fragments (soft) i keep them and you in my mind. (blush) You speak as though it's a blossoming flower that blooms upon a welcome gaze, a sweet word, or a secret phrase. Carried by the wind on a spring breeze, and laid to rest upon the apples of your cheeks and the tips of your ears. A gentle touch of blush. But what if it's a fire, and every breath used to disarm sends high flying embers the until floodgates are forced to open to combat the inferno inside? A wildfire, carried by gusts. Burning skin inch by inch. A merciless match, consumed by red.
2.
205 02:28
back on the 2:05 a stupid nostalgia the city looks the same but the feeling is different the doors are slower and the lights are slower the train is slower and the tracks are slower by the time I arrive it's not my home and you're not there, nothing is growing.
3.
refuge 02:28
when i press my hands against your chest and tell you this is home, you turn away, mumble incoherent about how your bones are made of glass. you say that yours is a frame incapable of withstanding the breeze or too terse a breath, carefully crafted rubble, you sigh. decrepit, you call it. a ramshackle. but it's here, in the space between your legs and ears and ribs, caught in the safety of your scaffolding that suffers catastrophe without collapse that i sleep soundly; the only shelter i know capable of withstanding the storm.
4.
mr. birch 01:38
Summer saw gentle Mr. Birch grow strong and supple and tall. But then the winds grew bitter, to herald the start of fall. With the chilling wind came rain, then frost and sleet did blow. Poor Mr. Birch, he caught a cold and really did feel low. And so it came to pass one day he expelled a mighty sneeze. The power of his quivering dislodged his lovely leaves. Now Mr. Birch stands shivering, naked as a babe and waits for Spring to usher in the buds of growth again.
5.
reverse 02:24
You can go home again despite what Thomas Wolfe said Some walls may be missing and the dank ceiling leaks water through the creaky floorboards but it’s where you lived in your youth in your dreams and memories combating time
6.
peverell 02:51
you carry on as if the tune you hum before bed is something you invented, as if it wasn’t woven through your sinews from the very start. we could have gone the way of fairy things, lost to the narrowing of roads and the fade of the woods; your blood tells the story, but you refuse to hear it even when it sings to you in the small, quiet places you prefer. (is the creaking of stairs still so loud?) there is a vault breaking open under your skin, an inheritance made ripe in the knowing of it. don’t let us be whittled to pinholes; don’t let us dim. you never understood (they called you a savior, once) that we were dying long before they made it look sweet. don’t forget you were made with blood and stardust, like us, with dragon heartstring and harps in your head. you were never one of them.
7.
you remind me of my promises broken upon your bed only then do i remember you aren't yet fluent in the ways i bend timetables, planning, reason is easy before the changing tides but you were an ocean so strange and new how could i have waited? even now i dream of submerging in your waves drowning in your taste
8.
minimalist 02:40
A cell splits When it comes we Break Spring sprinted forward, here we trip Travel Spliced. Into this open space. Lost Searching for a modicum No An iota No A quark A quantum A molecule No An essential bit of meaning Do you think birds ever have to deal with stuff like this? I remember feeling her skin sleeping next to the laundry Far in the into a short span of the nerd's equivalent of summer camp And then it splits And I march forward Do you think cats and dogs ever think like this? Tying deep introspection to attraction? Love to a sex life? Fun to fucking? Stop And split Do you think fish swim like this? In human behavio(u)r it may be impossible To be a minimalist— And I know: Animals act like this.
9.
crowd 02:59
drowning in a school of fish bubbles slowly rise the sun begins to fade as we dive deeper, deeper into the depths of tumbling anxiousness, moving into the unknown darkness. the pressure grows and the oxygen lessens as it is squeezed from my lungs. trying to swim to the surface, the sky above, hoping for the last remaining light before all is lost. encased in my skin lungs protected from the water, (for now) begin to burn, its final resort before the end - arms thrash and legs kick trying to escape. the fire burns out. curl up in a ball and sink, smothered by water and fish. the last bubble bursts; no more to sail across the sea.
10.
superstition 02:28
I don't know quite where to begin It started as a story on the wind "Please make sure to beware" "Whatever you do, stay away from there" Black cats would lie in wait in packs Broken mirrors would taunt with their cracks Walkways with gaps you couldn't avoid "Want to break your mama's back" they toyed Latters cluttered every which way Created more anxiety on this unlucky day As if that wasn't enough, it was Friday the 13th As this all occurred on the one and only Elm Street If you're a superstitious person I'd heed those warnings and steer clear of lurking
11.
the addict 02:21
He was sure it was there as he’d felt it many times The beat beat, beat beat, beat beat He was sure it was there as he’d seen it many times The pump pump, pump pump, pump pump He was sure it was there as he’d heard it many times The whoosh whoosh, whoosh whoosh, whoosh whoosh But he was wrong And as he faded into nothing He realised his impulse had subsumed his pulse
12.
Consumed and been consumed by too many pints and suddenly the floors feel unsteadier tonight (if that's even an actual word) then you're between my legs, I can't feel them when I'm between your lines, I can't read them It all seems loud and downhill until our clothes go green from the grass in drunken moonlight and everything flickers, turns lo-fi (between you and me I don't think I'm ever gonna die)
13.
Matrimony, matrimony Gather up around me Bind us like the bird and the worm Forever tangled Infinite tears in a blind life I never saw my love Take her hand off her heart Blinking one eye Before the other Calm waves in a violent sea Don't touch her, devil Not before I leave I'll block the black gates So she won't ever see The hellfire I've been smothering Well, now it's smothering me Does the water taste of nothing Or does nothing taste of all? Doused in the tepid sweet Of the nothing I couldn't keep Picture us in our dancing clothes Now picture us dead We're dancing with skulls atop our heads Just a masquerade where we meet ends Your name should be carved in my arm Lest my brain turns to chemical slush I think I'm too old to fear the harm Matrimony, matrimony Make the bed before you leave Turn the deadbolt and breathe peace I am not okay, but that's fine by me I am not okay, there's nothing for me to be I'll be alright in the end, just you wait and see
14.
These words could have be sweeter Thoughts better expressed Perhaps these muddled phrases Weren't some of my best But still I stumble through them Attempt to make you understand It's true that i'm not perfect Bu i'm trying the best I can My inspiration changed Somewhere along the line Old poems hold old stories Each one true and mine Poems for love for some Who I now never see And poems of love for others Who will always be with me Poems for the future Poems for the past Poems written for the moment That is brief and doesn't last But is left only in memory And the words I leave behind Maybe they could be better But these words they are mine So I'll keep on writing With everything refrain and rhyme I'll keep on getting better Until we meet again next time
15.
The tree I see in front of me grows up, and out of sight It touches stars, the moon, the sun All through the day and night. Oh, I wish I was that happy tree I’d sway so joyfully. In winds, in rain, and droughts on plains So happy as can be. But, here I sit just looking up, And dreaming high and mighty, I have no bark, or leaves to share No vines to hold and tie me. I shall return to climb this tree I’ll scramble out of sight For she is waiting at the top And ready to take flight.
16.
wild 03:27
Wise are wondering scintillating minds Strong are sculptural masterpiece skeletons But it's All just Skin and bones Barren land Embracing life beneath the surface Promise land Set this wild heart free to find love again
17.
smokestacks 01:32
Listen let it die closing eyes blink one blink two Bring fever smoke up lonely plumes ashen secrets carried off Embracing poison breath no signal shows desire devoured empty Haunt me as a marble arch strong shelter overhead an exposed heart below the belly
18.
your limbs are split across stars, a scatter of blood just the right weight and just the right color; does it tire you? their first and last son born of flowers and ice you are more than the ink of your name, more than the constellation that came before; don't let the trees pin you to their roots; you are exactly as you should be.
19.
rouge 02:51
Chaque fois que j'attends l'horloge Pour tick et tock J'espère avoir deux lignes sur le stick perdre du temps Mais je sais que ce ne sera jamais Une décision facile Laisser aller la dernière chose Cela m'a fait sentir Comme si j'étais important Et l'amour est venu naturellement Avec l'instinct. Mais c'est toujours rouge.
20.
eternal fire 02:33
I struck a match and held it tight my flame did light a candle, The fire is warm, but not your heart Your flame has lost its handle. The light from fires seek the dark To chase all fears away But it does cost, when feeling’s lost The love that went astray. If I could warm your frozen heart I’d give my life for you. But, as you run and darkness comes To thousands, and too few. My candle rests upon a shelf The wick is long and lasting But so we are, oh so far From eternal fires of passing.
21.
socks 02:01
This is the last time. It has to be. There is more void than object, and what’s left is the wrong colour. I look at the stained fabric one last time. Think of the long walks and blisters, Joy and pain, and those sadness tinged moments that come in the quiet times, when no one expects it. So they leave you alone. To be hugged by your clothes. Held up by your socks. Your first garish pair, the first time people complimented your clothing. They’ve served me well, but they’re more void than material, and I should really throw them away.
22.
Vinyl cracks, polaroids fade stereo jacks, turn another page she said her heart was empty deserted like a schoolhouse after hours she said it had been like that for years memory maps, best plans laid fill in the gaps, sinking into shade he said his heart was strong enough to beat for both of them he said he'd never leave her sight volume to max, she said her eyes jade, her head felt heavy, skip amongst the tracks overloaded like a sad mule on a trail child of another age, she said it felt like that for years vinyl cracks, he said, she said polaroids fade, together they played stereo jacks, their little games another page of cat and mouse memory maps, and hard and house best laid plans of love and loss and gain.
23.
first loss 01:16
The reddiest red, The smoothiest smooth, The ballooniest balloon. The bangiest bang. The feariest fear. The griefiest grief. I remember to this day, The achiest ache, That forty years can’t take away.
24.
say when 03:26
Maybe it's the threat, the thrill of the kitchen knife but Evelyn I can feel my heart beating faster and faster when you reach over to pick up the chopping board and your fingers touch mine for a millisecond this time. And Evelyn, I picture you and I living like this our whole life, until you can hear my heart beating louder and louder no longer swallowed, muted by the kitchen timer and your fingers touch mine for a full second that time. And Evelyn I wonder if you can see the future that I'm planning when you brush your wet palm against my back and I almost forget to worry if it's your knife hand, but it's not, you're done with all the chopping and the timers have all timed us. And when you say to-may-to I say nothing and when I say you say when you say nothing. So Evelyn eventually it might all just be a little too much to contain.
25.
i left while the sun was high but the world didn't give us forever just a bit of luck too sweet to refuse we tumbled into slanted light all the politeness shed with our clothes your body covers me tries to cover us i don't want to tell people it's just not their business y'know? i know this could be something or another almost breaking against the earth's rotation so we move quickly and if words come to name us we hide them between our lips
26.
ephemeral 01:43
There are moments When we are aware That this life Is ephemeral. We feel it, See it fleeting. But we forget And choose to focus On worries and imaginings, Slights and memories And we are always Caught off guard When things change And are suddenly gone Or over.
27.
in words born from a language pronounced dead centuries ago that still wander on from lips and tongue falls of today you are still here in temples and pillars standing straight and strong still amphitheatres towering above cities and seas like Olympian gods you are still here and for that i am glad
28.
m.g 02:06
in the afternoon you lined yourself in gold, things flying in the sunlight behind you each one small and glowing, twigs snapped for no reason, your stare always intact. you rocked on the hands beneath your thighs, and watched me move in and out of your shadow, clicking, rolling, crouching as the flares rose above your head like Pentecost and i could have looked at you forever.
29.
exile 02:35
Exile I smile Alone for a while I'll find my way back home When I'm done Before the rising of the Sun But for now In the deep of Night This Exiled moment Feels so right
30.
Morning after morning after night My mouth full of ash Green apple sour makes my tongue move right I burned a King James bible Just to see if it burned bright But it just burned like everything else No holy hand to stop its plight The insignificance of imploring That we drop and pray at such a sight I like the taste of ash and cider Cigarette kisses the color of smoke No holy laws, only the imbiber Would suggest such pathetic lows The tome of human life is fraught with errors Where we spelled our purpose wrong If it was love than it was cursed A book of the damned we've barely rehearsed I envy the dead, only in the way that they sleep Never awoken to the shit-heap this world seems to be I can't resist what isn't pushing back There's barely any whiskey left in this rotting cask I loved the taste of ash and cider But her cigarette's a chalk-candy joke No god or cause, only what's inside her Would ever sate a murder of crows
31.
#1 03:04
To become an island, to be surrounded by water and float back to the city no longer empty.

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released June 8, 2017

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Joseph Ruddleston Brooklyn, New York

Brooklyn-based song-storyteller with all sorts of stuff pouring out of the holes in his voicebox.

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